33

I turned 33 this week.  It feels much like 32--more like a negation--not young, not old.  I'm fine with that.  Joseph and I aren't people to cling to our youth, anyway.  We already enjoy things that will make us happy old people; we like to sit and read, enjoy a nice chair on a porch with good beverage, watch high quality science fiction.

Right now Perrin is napping.  I am out on the balcony resting my coffee on the cooler that has been cast out here since Christmas last week.  It is one of those little sad life facts.  Every time I look out the sliding doors, I see the cooler sitting there and I think about how it has been there for about five months instead of in the garage where it belongs.  For some reason we seem physically unable to clean it out and restore it to it's proper place.  This fact alone does not concern me.  But it does feel like some sort of measuring stick for my general adeptness at life; particularly when I am having a bad day.  Said measuring stick is coming up reading "less than enough."  Humph.  

I think it is this impending job search that has got me feeling crummy.  Really not so impending now; I guess it is time to get serious.  Looking for jobs just makes me feel so incredibly judged--as I'm sure is true for most people.  But instead of motivating me or just pushing through it, I feel completely paralyzed.  Having not interviewed for a job since my college days, the thought of a job interview makes me want to drag my family into the mountains to live like wolves.  If it wasn't for J's pesky career plans...why care for people's health and get paid for it when you could huddle against the cold with your family in the wilderness?  


This Saturday we are celebrating my birthday in the park with a picnic.  Tara is making a vanilla lavender cake trifle.  This is going outside of my normal--chocolate on chocolate--birthday cake request, but I am feeling summery and this sounds wonderful.  I will try to bring you a picture of this creation, as trifle is so pretty!  

The actual day of my birthday J worked from home and took me out to lunch and cupcakes.  It was lovely.  By evening there had been a misunderstanding between us and what was to be a dinner of chicken in mushroom sauce, ended with me eating a gas station burrito and J eating ramen.  The details are not important.  What is important is this lesson:  Be patient with your loved ones.  Usually when there is an argument, it is because of a miscommunication--not because after years with this person they have suddenly--as of today--turned into a complete ass.

One a lighter funnier note, Perrin has discovered the washing machine.  Aaaand she likes it.

 

Irrational

I have been thinking about how parenthood makes people pretty irrational.  The other night I was in bed reading while J was getting ready.  He was opening drawers on his big old wooden dresser that are very heavy and creak like crazy when opened and shut.  All I could think in that moment was...Perrin is going to wake up!  What the hell are you doing?  Why would you be opening those drawers right now except that you want to ruin my night and our baby's sleep.  You hate me and everything that is good and wholesome in this world!  

Of course I said nothing because the poor man was just trying to put on his pajamas.  And concurrent with those thoughts was...This is no way to live.  Chill out.  Neither does my husband hate me, nor everything that is good and wholesome.  Crazy lady.  This is one example of something that happens numerous times a day.  Big things, smaller things...thinking it might be possible for Perrin to choke on a piece of lint she just found on the floor and popped into her mouth and is now chewing.  It can be difficult to relax and keep rational perspective when dealing with your children.  This is something I am going to try to get better about...because poor J.  I don't like to be mean to him in my irrational controlling mom internal dialog.  


Perrin's crawling is progressing slowly.  She seems to sometimes forget that she knows how to do it, so she will just sit and play with what is right around her or roll to something near by.  But when she does go, it sure is fun to see.  Here she is with her first crawling conquest, my camera cord.  

Today we went outside in a little green space right near our house to get some fresh air before nap time.  It is a beautiful 60 degree day and being outside tends to put P in a good mood if things have gotten a little testy.  I think with the crawling revelation she is just slightly out of sorts, but sitting out on the blanket in the sunshine made us both feel good.

Blog about blogging...it's so meta

Since starting up this blog again, I have found myself reading more blogs myself.  There is definitely that super self-indulgent/ self-important aspect to blogging, as in, "My life is so interesting that surely people MUST want to know every detail about it."  Some blogs strike me like this- as someone who obviously truly believes that their day to day live is remarkably gripping and very cool.  But what I love is when you stumble upon a good blog and it doesn't even matter what the person's angle is.  It is like seeing into someone's life, looking through their window (not in a creepy way) to see what you would never see if such a medium didn't exist.  

It can act as a reminder that people aren't actually this faceless mass who are all out to get the job I want, to sit right in front of me at the movie theater, or to annoy me by talking loudly on their phones in a public place.  They are people with unique senses of humor, observations, and experiences that can be really interesting and entertaining to hear if you can get past the--you are one of 7 billion people on the planet, what could be worth knowing about you, thing.  This is an important reminder for me, as someone who is typically very cynical and ready to throw the whole human race under the bus in exchange for some peace and the good outdoors.  

Cheap non-related adorable pic of my family, because photos make large blocks of text easier to read.

With med school looming come August, I have been thinking a lot about what our family's life will look like with Joseph in school and then in residency, so I have been looking at some blogs written by medical students and residents for a look at what is to come.  One that I have been reading is Table for One.  She is a Canadian in her residency who writes about being single, food, medicine, and photography.  She is a good writer; I would read about her feeding her cats.  Another that I have been enjoying is A Cartoon Guide to Becoming a Doctor.  This one is pretty funny.  It gives me hope that getting Joseph through med school will be HILARIOUS!  


I started writing this post while Perrin sat beside me in her highchair having a little lunch.  She has pretty much blown through every thing I have given her, but I want to continue writing so I keep handing back to her the same gnawed on, falling apart, strawberry over and over to buy some time.  She isn't on to me yet, but she is sure to get wise to her neglect shortly.  

Have a good day out there, and thanks for checking in on my little blog.  It must be a relief to get another post after being up all night just wondering what I might have to say.  He he he--I am very funny.

Get on the bus for human extinction!

Ok, there is an organization out there that I have just heard about that totally indulges my negativity towards the human species. Really it is not a organization in the way of having meetings and a leader and such, but a movement with a looong term specific goal. It's called the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement. Their goal is to persuade people to stop breeding in order to reduce and eventually kill off the human race. They aren't a cult; they don't want people to kill others or themselves, just to stop having babies in order to avoid the destruction of earth's ecology.

So to be part of this group you just- decide not to have biological children. It is all so funny and serious at the same time. I mean it is a hysterical proposition to ask people not to make babies- it is instinctual, and it's fun! But also it's the only thing we can do to keep the good ole mother earth and her trees and frogs and waters from going down the toilet.

I feel pretty certain that the humans are going to muck it up in ultimate and permanent proportions- it is just a matter of time. It sounds fatalistic, I know, but I can not see how we all, across the world, can change our life styles in such a drastic way in so short a period of time that it would stop us in our greedy destructive little tracks. People in our government are calling global warming a theory...by the time a majority of the people (or the people with the power) honestly realize that this plane is going down if we don't do something drastic, it is already going to be too late.

I don't think our kids or our great great grandchildren will see the end, but I don't question that we are going to be the species shooting off the farewell fireworks at the end of the story.

Personally, I don't think that there is anything wrong with having your own children. I think it is a forward thinking and good thing to have just one or two, so that way as a couple you are decreasing the population by one, or at least just replacing yourselves. I don't know. It is so easy for me to give up on us, but it's because I believe that we are not any more important than all of the other species that are going extinct regularly under our noses. It seems that evolving consciousness is not so good for you in the long run.

It makes me think how many times I have watched my cat, Simon, sleeping on the floor and wished that like him I didn't know so much. Yes, yes, there are things I love about life as a person. Being in love, laughing with my mom and my sister, eating foods with more than one ingredient...I just wish we didn't have so much power.

What to do in case of a zombie take over

Joseph and I watched Shaun of the Dead last night. We were introduced to this movie by Merry and DR and if you don't know, it is a comedy zombie movie. We chose this movie after a pitcher of beer at our local Mexican restaurant; that is not to say it's not a quality movie. It's actually quite funny with a few of those zombie movie scary moments were you realize that you are in the minority and everyone wants to eat your brain.

Anyway, after watching this movie we discussed what to do in case of a zombie take over and I am proud to say the we quickly reached a conclusion and now have an official plan in case of such an emergency. The plan, I will share with you. GO TO THE WOODS. In these movies you will notice that they always take place in the cities where there are dense populations. We simply load our packs and head out as far away as we can get from civilization and wait it out.

This is also our plan in case of alien invasion which we discussed after watching War of the Worlds. I like to plan for emergencies and have it all thought out. All those elementary school fire and tornado drills were not for nothing. I got the picture.

Funny it seems like the safest solution is often to get away from people; I'm sure that is just a coincidence.

last night

Yesterday evening I drove home from work, stayed in the slow right lane trying to shake off the, me first, screw you, let me out of here, so and so stinks at their job and he makes mine harder, poor me sort of mentality. Sometimes all those negative feelings that you get everyday feel like this heavy wet coat that you try to slough off, but it sticks to your skin because it is drenched. I try to stop thinking that way and remember, I'm alive, isn't it wonderful, look at the pretty sunset...

Why is your day shaped so much by eight or nine hours so that you become this cranky beast and have to warn family members upon getting home...I'm a big crank monster; it's not your fault but I am willing to forget that... So When I got home last night I knew I needed to get settled down so I tossed my stuff down on the floor, grabbed a glass of wine and hustled out to the back porch to see what was left of the sunset. It was 9:30, but I could still see it. Not a big piece of it, but a tiny space between two houses in the distance. The sky right in front of my house was already dark and the yard was blinking green with lightening bugs.

It turned into an alright evening, but inside I stayed cranky. The lightening bug calm lasted only as long as I could see them. I don't want to wish the hours away everyday. I don't intend to kept doing that.

Life at arms length

Today was the slowest day at work. I voluntarily organized a drawer of tiny tiny screws and made labels for these screws that will be heeded until about four o'clock tomorrow.


I've realized since Joseph and I have had this computer, I am getting very little reading done. What was once relaxing in the morning with tea and a book is morning with the computer and no tea because the computer sucks me in before I can even heat water or go to the bathroom. This is good and bad. While I feel more connected to family and friends that are far away with email, pictures and maybe this silly blog, I feel a little more disconnected from myself and have to think about not letting it get out of hand. It is so easy to experience everything at arms length; I need to make sure to go outside and have the sun shine in my eyes and be spoken to rudely by strangers in person. I say this while sitting on my couch with the computer on my lap with no plans to do anything tonight. Moderation, moderation.

I have discovered a web site that is great. It is called BookMooch and you can put books you are ready to give away on your list and see others lists and and request books you would like them to send you. It is a great way to pass on books you care for but know you will not read again. I just received my first book last week. It is Life Before Man by Margaret Atwood, one of my favorites. She wrote an amazing post apocalyptic sort of novel recently called Oryx and Crake- both very far out and very real at once. Joseph and I are trying to get rid of books that we aren't in love with before the move because we have boxes and boxes of them and they are so darn heavy.

must abandon computer for nourishment...